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The Gift of Understanding
November 28, 2022
“The most important things are the hardest to say…And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear."
Stephen King
I can count on the fingers of two hands the number of times I recall having received the gift of a truly understanding ear when I needed to be heard. The family in which I grew up was expressive, the extended families dramatic and at times raucous.
My relatives' dinner tables featured buffets of fascinating and funny stories on which I could graze for hours. Debating with passion was common fare, interrupting with grace a dish few had mastered. I savored these family get-togethers, even as a quiet child watching from the sidelines, often overshadowed but never intimidated by these creative conversationalists. Early on I found my own gifts of writing and speaking, and counted my family of origin a blessing that helped me to claim these talents.
However, active listening - deep listening - is not one of my natural talents. It is an art and science I was grateful to learn as I studied to become an intuitive life coach and ordained minister. What helped me most was a simple, yet profound, change in perspective I gained from A Course in Miracles (from the Text, Chapter 8):
"When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him you will see yourself. As you treat him you will treat yourself. As you think of him you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself." ~ A Course in Miracles
Wise words.
This Thanksgiving Eve, I was reminded to be thankful, not only for things that I genuinely like but also for things that don't immediately come to mind: the impatient driver, the sluggish store clerk, the non-stop complainer sitting next to me at dinner... perhaps the driver is late getting to visit their ailing parent, the clerk may be covering a shift without sleep, and the dinner guest's attitude may stem from childhood trauma.
Now I can relate to them with compassion. If I remove the "apparent" distance between myself and any other person, I can listen with an understanding ear and with the awareness that it is a holy encounter. And in that person I will find myself.
“Oh Divine Master, grant that I may seek not so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love another. For it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life." ~ attributed to Saint Francis of Assisi
More wise words (excerpt from Peace Prayer, attributed to Saint Francis of Assissi).
Let me share with you a few other excellent resources in the hopes that they may lead you down a road to better communication with your loved ones:
- The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. A book as well as an online resource, 5lovelanguages.com, complete with quizzes to help you and your loved ones better understand how each of you naturally expresses love.
- The Lost Art of Listening by Michael P. Nichols. With examples, easy-to-learn techniques and practical exercises for becoming a better listener and making yourself heard and understood.
- Active Listening Techniques by Nixaly Leonardo. Explains techniques like paraphrasing, nonverbal cues, emotional labeling, mirroring, and validation, along with examples and strategies to put these tools to use.
- The Sacred Art of Listening by Kay Lindahl. Forty practices to develop essential qualities – silence, reflection, and presence – of deep listening, whether to Source, to ourselves, or to each other.
- The Listening Path by Julia Cameron. Practices to listen in a new way, igniting creativity that will resonate through every aspect of our lives.
- See No Stranger by Valarie Kaur. Calls us to see others not as strangers but rather as “part of me I do not yet know.” and includes a specific practice that can transform a relationship, a community, a culture, or a nation.
Amid the bustle of this holiday season, I intend to give others - and myself - the gift of deep listening. My gift to you this season is deep discounts on private readings that focus on your direction for the coming year.
Inner Compass has several offerings to help you communicate on the spiritual planes as well as the material ones. So consider giving yourself and your loved ones the gift of inspiration and empowerment at one or more of our events!